News from the Locarno Festival

Day 4: Zoe

Day 4: Zoe



The following text is available on Roger Avary’s blog

His face was still bruised and his lip was split, which made drinking his frequent espresso doppios that much more difficult, but by this time the addiction to caffeine had returned with a vengeance.  Clouds had rolled in from over the Cardada-Cimetta mountain, and large drops of rain began to fall.  The cool air was a welcome respite from the terrible heat of the previous days, and the Canadian sat under a canopy with the South Korean just feeling the cool breeze.

When the rest of the Jury assembled they had a buffet lunch from the hotel, and the Canadian noticed that various thieves in the competition were trying to listen in on their deliberation thus far — so they chose to instead discuss art and cinema.  A list of the best remakes of all time was compiled (by memory, in no order):

  • Le Salaire de la peur (Henri-Georges Clouzot) and Sorcerer (William Friedkin)
  • Nosferatu (F.W. Murnau) and Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht (Werner Herzog)
  • The Thing From Another World (Christian Nyby) and The Thing (John Carpenter)
  • Breathless (Jean-Luc Goddard) and Breathless (Jim McBride)
  • The Fly (Kurt Neumann) and The Fly (David Cronenberg)
  • Invasion of the Body Snatchers (Don Siegel) and Invasion of the Body Snatchers(Phillip Kauffman)
  • Scarface (Howard Hawks) and Scarface (Brian DiPalma)

They were sure that there were more, but they were thieves, not cineastes and couldn’t recall any others.  Having said that, it’s a little known fact that thieves love going to the movies.

The Curator excitedly discussed a new Jeff Koons retrospective in Basel, and how he had once been contracted to assassinate Koons but simply couldn’t do it because he was so fond of his work.  He had elected to instead put a bullet between the eyes of the person who had originally contracted the hit — something he had never done before and would never likely do again.  “It’s against my code,” he said in his thick Germanic accent, “but that was one job I simply couldn’t allow to happen.”

That afternoon they looked over the details of two more heists, one by a thief known asThe Estonian and another by a new thief on the European scene, Mr. Belgique.

Afterwards, The Canadian asked the Jury Secretary to call him a prostitute for the night. He needed a little pampering, and was tired of resorting to Internet porn.  Sometimes your hand will simply not do, and besides, he had gotten to the point where he was sure he had seen all the porn the internet had to offer — literally.  After about an hour, a young French girl came to his hotel room and charged him approximately two-hundred U.S. Dollars, blow job included.  Her name was Zoe and she had wavy blond hair and a luminescent face like the moon.  She mounted him and began to ride, her hips moving in rhythm to the music coming from the television.  She wouldn’t stop talking after he had shot his wad, and soon he was becoming exhausted from all the talk about how she was really an artist, and a student, and blah, blah, blah.  The next thing he knew she was telling him that she loved him, and all he could think was “this chick’s a bad cliché.”

Roger Avary
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